Be a Real Man

A few weeks ago, I wrote about some thoughts in response to the whole Twerking Miley incident at the MTV VMA’s.  You can read it here.  As Miley continutes to twerk her way through life, Robin Thicke, who shared the stage with Miley and was the recipient of her twerking, continues to get a free pass.  He gets a free pass because it’s OK for men to act like disgusting pigs in our culture.  It’s more than expected.  It’s encouraged.

Robin Thicke has rocketed to the top of the pop charts in the past few weeks with his song Blurred Lines.  It’s disgusting.  If you feel like throwing up, you can read the lyrics here.  This is what passes for entertainment in our culture today.  I think Blurred Lines was at #2 on the Billboard charts this week.  Our culture loves it.

Our culture loves it because our culture doesn’t understand what a real man looks like.  Our culture loves it because there is a serious vacuum of real men in our culture.  Real men that love Jesus and respect women.  Real men that live lives of honor and integrity.  Real men that take seriously the calling of Jesus on our lives.

In today’s reading from Ephesians 5, God’s Word lays the smack down on men.  For me personally, there is nothing in Scripture that is harder to live out than what God demands of married men who love Jesus.  I don’t write today because I’ve figured it out how to be an Ephesians 5 man.  I fall woefully short along with the vast majority of men in our culture today.  Although Paul is specifically addressing husbands in v.v. 25-33, this exhortation is for unmarried men who are dating as well.  If you’re not married, insert “girlfriend” or “women in my life” where Paul says “wife.”     

So what does it look like to be a real man, according to God’s Word? 

V. 25

A real man loves his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  What did Jesus do for His Church?  He suffered at the hands of an angry mob.  He was beaten and mocked.  He was nailed to a cross and shed his blood for the forgiveness of our sins.  Being a real man means that we realize that truly loving our wives is about sacrifice for the benefit of our wives. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have difficult jobs in which we work hard and sometimes late and it doesn’t mean that we don’t have hobbies or interests.  But it does mean that everything else is secondary to the spiritual well being of our wives. 

v.26 & 27

The love of a real man makes his wife (and for the unmarried guy, his girlfriend) holy according to God’s Word.  A woman does not become holy when a man sees her as a sexual object to be conquered.  A woman does not become holy when a man sees her as an accessory to his life.  A woman does not become holy when a man pushes her moral boundaries and encourages her to sin with her body, heart or mind.  A woman does not become holy accidentally. 

A woman becomes holy when a man is intentional about nurturing and encouraging her to grow spiritually and to become more and more like Jesus in holiness and righteousness.  A woman attains holiness when the man that she loves leads her in God’s Word; prays for her and with her; worships with her and serves with her. 

Men, neutrality and indifference about the holiness of our wives or girlfriends is disobedience to God’s Word.  If we’re not encouraging the holiness of our wives, we’re sinning and we need to not only repent, but we need to get serious about being spiritual leaders.

Let me be painfully blunt.  If your relationship with your wife or girlfriend is about an orgasm, you need to grow up.  You’re not a man.  You’re a boy.  You’re not like Jesus at all.  Quit messing around and pulling her away from Jesus, and man up and lead her to Jesus and to holiness.  Quit playing house and put a ring on her finger before God and before the people of God, and pledge your love to her forever. 

The love of a real man for his wife or girlfriend makes her radiant and beautiful – not just physically, but spiritually.  Remember your wedding day when you first laid eyes on your wife?  I remember that moment like it was 10 minutes ago.  I was breathless.  Speechless.  Tears running down my face.   The goal of our lives as husbands is to do all that we can possibly do by the power and grace of Jesus, to bring our wives to that place day by day.  What would it be like if this kind of radiance and beauty wasn’t just a snapshot of a moment long ago in your mind, but was the reality of your relationship with your wife every day?  That’s what Jesus wants us to have in our marriages, and he has tasked us with taking the responsibility and ownership to work towards that. 

v.31

A real man doesn’t run to his mommy (or to the bar, or to his buddies, or to porn and sex with his hand, or anywhere else guys are apt to run) when things get tough.  A real man pursues his wife’s heart every day because the goal of our marriages is to become one with our wives.

Look, arguments happen.  People get mad.  Hurtful words are spoken.  No marriage is perfect – not mine and not yours.  When things aren’t perfect, are you going to be the type of man that bails out because you’re more in love with yourself and having your ego stroked by your family than you are with your wife, or are you going to be the kind of man that fights for the unity of your marriage. 

This is especially important for newlyweds, and is also applicable to women. 

Don’t let your parents run your marriage.  Thank them for their advice if it’s godly, Biblical advice and apply it.  If your mom hates your husband or wife, guess what?  It’s time to tell your mom to shut the heck up.  Your priority is now to your spouse, and not to your parents.  You have pledged to love, honor and serve your spouse until the day you die.  Not your parents.  Honor them and respect them if you they deserve honor and respect, but don’t build your marriage based on what your parents or family thinks.

Don’t let your best friends; drinking buddies; hunting and fishing buddies; fantasy football league; beer league softball team; etc run your marriage. Same principles as above apply. 

A God-honoring marriage is about three relationships.  A man’s relationship with Jesus.  A woman’s relationship with Jesus.  And a couple’s relationship with Jesus.   Sure, the families we grow up in shape us in negative or positive ways when it comes to preparing us emotionally for marriage, and to some extent our friendships and acquaintances do the same.  But in the marriage covenant, a husband and wife must come together as one, as Christ is one with The Church.  The Church isn’t called into existence by the culture.  The Church isn’t instructed and informed by the culture.  The Church doesn’t find its significance from the culture.  The Church receives all of those things from Jesus and Jesus alone.  It’s the same way with marriage. 

I know that many men struggle with the whole loving Jesus thing.  It seems feminine and wishy washy.  Many men have this picture in their minds of Jesus as a hippy in a pink bathrobe.  A man that’s more feminine than masculine.  But God’s Word here in Ephesians reminds us that no man is as strong as Jesus – physically or spiritually.  He is our source of strength, and He alone is worthy of our love and affection, even as men.

If you think Jesus is too feminine for you to love, follow and obey, consider what he endured on the cross.  Take a few minutes and read this article. 

I don’t know any men, and have never known any men, that are strong enough to endure what Jesus endured for us.  Loving our wives as He loves us isn’t about weakness and getting in touch with our feminine side.  It’s about living with super natural strength and power that is far beyond what we’re capable of on our own because of what Jesus endured on our behalf. 

Being a real man is a high and holy calling.  It’s a tough calling that requires frequent self-evaluation, repentance and effort.  It can be uncomfortable to realize that we’re blowing it as men.  I know that I blow it often because I’m so busy with other things.  It’s easier to retreat into ourselves and to withdraw from our wives than it is to love them as Christ loved the Church.  But I know that when I stand before Jesus and give an account of my life, that I want to be able to stand before Him and say that I was a real man.  Not a cheap imitation of what our culture says a man is.  I don’t want to stand before Jesus and say, “Hey, I was a pig, but that’s what’s expected of men in my culture, so, um yeah, let’s just let that slide.”  I don’t want to stand before Jesus and say, “Hey Jesus, I was busy building your church and leading people to you, but I let my wife’s holiness and spiritual growth slide, because . . . well, you know, because she’s a pastor’s wife and can take care of herself.” 

I want to stand before Jesus and hear him say, “David, you were a real man.  You loved your wife like I have loved you.  Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  What do you want to hear him say about your manhood?